BLURRED LINES

I have a good friend who you will probably read about once in a while and we will call him Brother.  I have known Brother for 18 years or more.  He is a great friend of mine and Lord Clay’s.  Brother and I are like two peas in a pod.  A mirror image of one another.  We like all the same things and act the same way (scary!!!).  He knows me better than I know myself.  That is why he is my “Brother”.  Brother however has a very cynical point of view regarding love, relationships and marriage which is rather ironic considering he is one of the most loving people in this world.  A few weeks ago we were all out to dinner at one of favorite local bar and grills.  I, like always played music on the juke box.  This sub loves her dirty songs, so of course I played “Blurred Lines”. 
Instead of dancing and attracting attention to myself like I would normally do, I sat back down at the table with Lord Clay and Brother. 
 We laughed and talked and when the song was over Brother said, “Women are very good at those blurred lines aren’t they.”  I of course went into debate mode defending my ability to be very straight forward and precise about what I want, how I want it and when I want it.  I defended myself and fellow women with great valor. Brother told me that I was probably the worlds worst about Blurred Lines because I have this need and desire to make everyone happy all the time.   I will admit however that while Brother was wrong in his statement about us ladies as a whole he was also very unfortunately correct when it came to his Sister.

 My wonderful Lord Clay and I started our D/s relationship with a full time as in… 24/7….relationship.  We drew up a full contract.  It listed all the rules, the things that each of us were or were not willing to try, the safe word and all the limits.  It was so specific that it listed each different sexual activity separately from mff sex, to mutual masturbation.  It even listed what types of spankings positions and implements were or were not acceptable.   We set our first trial period for a one week period of time.  It worked great so we amended the contract where needed and set it for another two week trial period.  That two weeks went great so we again sat down at the table and renegotiated this contract.  This went on from October until February.  For Valentine’s Day Master Clay took his loving sub out to one of the best restaurants in town.  A place where you spend 3 or 4 hours eating and that is your entertainment.  Like I told you in my last post Sir Clay spoils me rotten!!!  He asked me that night if I would sign that contract for an entire year and grant him some additional power over me, primarily control over my exercise, health and eating habits. 
 I knew exactly where this was going to go and as much as I did not like what those extra things meant however I agreed and that night we drew up the new version of the contract giving Clay the additional powers he had requested and we both signed it and I rolled it up, tied it with a red ribbon and tucked it into our “toy chest”.  Now, I already admitted that I knew exactly where this was headed and that I didn’t like it.  My non-smoking Lord, Master and Dom was headed for my one, (well one of my crutches) and I knew it.  Admittedly I also knew that my over consumption of Diet soda and poor exercising and eating habits were on the chopping block as well.  I sucked it up and took it in and it began.  The first thing to change were the eating habits.  I was to write down what I ate and when, making sure to get in 3 meals and 2 snacks every day.  Then came the exercise, with either yoga, walking, swimming, or tai chi 5 days a week, and write it down.  Then what I was dreading most came up on the chopping block, Diet soda.  Then the plan was laid forth, stop smoking.  Lord Clay made a wonderful plan for me to cut back over the course of a month and be completely off them by the end of the month.  It was very evident to me after a week of trying to cut back that it was not going to work like that.  So I of my own free will (so to speak) went and bought and e-cig one afternoon.  That night I smoked my last cigarette.  Now I will acknowledge that this was all a very good change for me to make and Lord Clay probably added years to my life by doing it.  It was still hard to let someone exercise that amount of control over me.  (Thank God for E-cigs!)  Even though it was a blessing in disguise it was a super hard transition for me.  I had also started a new job and I felt no control over who I was as an individual anymore.   I began to resent having agreed to this and I could see myself start to pull away.  I knew I had not wanted to go there when I agreed to it, I had even put in the rules of all the previous contracts that Sir could not make any rules regarding my smoking.  Nonetheless, I let it happen thereby creating Blurred Line number 1. 

By the time April came around I was off the soda and smokes.  I was happy and getting healthy.  And for absolutely NO good reason what so ever I was so angry with myself for losing sight of myself as a self-sufficient  person.  I was angry at Lord Clay, who really did nothing but what I had told him I wanted.   One night I called for Parle, which was a clause written into our contract so that if one or the other of us needed to come back to the table to discuss the contract and D/s situation that we had that right.  It was not exactly a discussion as I had told my Dom actually it was more me telling him that I loved the D/s relationship but this didn’t work and I was done.  And ripped up the contract creating Blurred Line Number 2. 

Between April and September we tried off and on to find a way to have our D/s relationship without the contract because I have very adamantly stated that I do not want to have it even though I recognize the fun and excitement it was to renegotiate the contract every week and to talk about all the dirty nasty things that we put in the contract to “protect” ourselves.  This makes Blurred line number 3. 
Lord Clay and I played the D/s roles off and on and had some great rough sex in my office, in his office, all over the new house but it became hard for him to know when and where it was okay to Dom me because one minute it would be me telling him to Dom me, be aggressive and the next it was “you are NOT my Dom anymore.” Thus the creation of Blurred Line number 4. 

In September my Lord Clay went away for a convention he had asked me to figure out whether or not I truly wanted a D/s relationship while he was gone and before he even left I told him that I did want it in a sexual manner.  But not on an everyday, all the time basis.  He said that when he came back that we would start that up.  I was very excited for him to return home after a long trip and I was excited to start up the naughty relationship I craved.  And then he told me to do something.  Oops.  Blurred Line number 5 was born because as much as I wanted to have him Dom me sexually he saw the buildup parts to sex and I just looked at it from the time we shut that play room door.  So while Lord Clay was trying to build up the sexual fun with the D/s roles and build it up with fun play before it was actually time to shut that door I was seeing him trying to take over outside those doors once more. 

  I in all fairness never even gave my beloved a fighting chance when I was not clear and upfront with him.  Leaving him to guess at every turn.  Eventually that kind of frustration weighed very heavy on him too.  The tension became so heavy you could cut it with a knife.  And all that tension led to arguing about what was going on exactly.  So I had to step back, sit down and put a lot of care and thought into what I wanted.  Into what I Clearly wanted. 

In working this all out in my head I decided that the most fun Lord Clay and I both have had with the D/s relationship was when our contract was in place and we were sitting around and talking about it once a week.  Doesn’t that really make the most sense anyway.  It opened up a time once a week where we had to sit down with one another and discuss our sex life and our thoughts and wants and needs and desires and fantasies.  I don’t know about anyone else but that is very very arousing to me, it is almost as much fun as being talked to dirty.   I feel very comfortable after weeks of Blurred Lines numbers 6 through 1000 to say that what I want is the one week at a time contract.  Not because I need to be protected from Lord Clay but because I want that time we spent paying attention to one another back. The excitement of going back to the start and making new rules and maybe being comfortable enough to change some of the hard/soft limits.  The intimate discussions about different sex positions and spanking implements.  Talking about touching one another in various ways.  How deliciously naughty!!!  How wonderfully arousing!!!  

In order to fix this mess of misunderstanding that I had created I  sat down and sent to my wonderful Dom and protector a letter detailing with clarity exactly what I wanted, expected and hoped for.  Thereby killing Blurred Lines!  I won't give you all the lovely details of my letter.  I will leave that for Maser Clay when he does a guest blog.  I have to leave him a little fun.     

I am very ashamed that Brother was not necessarily right but that he recognized the Blurred Lines that I put out there.  Lines I could not even see myself.  Women, my dear Brother, however are not the only ones to put them out there.  Gentlemen be upfront with your lines too.  Aren’t Blurred Lines the “little sister” to lies.  If we are only saying what we think others want to hear for the sake of making them happy and it is not what we honestly want in our own minds and hearts then it serves no helpful purpose to anyone and in the end it tears things down. So even though Lord Clay did some very great things for me with all the best of intentions I should have been very clear and the lesson learned is be true and honest to yourself and your feelings and always make your wishes known clearly so there are no Blurred Lines.

Lord Clay, My Lovely, this is no Blurred Line,  I love you with all my heart and even though I am not always submissive in a manner that I should be you are my cherished Lord, Master, Dom and Husband.  Spank away Sir.
 

Light and Love to everyone!!!

~Arynn~